At best, my resting bitch face makes me appear unapproachable. At worst, I look homicidal. Still, that is NOTHING compared to my active bitch face! When facing anything cataclysmic to mundane, my face almost operates on its own. I know I’m visibly reacting but there nothing I can do about it. It’s as if my…

My husband brought this home while I’m dieting for the first time in my life. Please show this to the judge for an immediate dismissal.

As if life hadn’t just fucked me up the ass with unusual vigor very recently, let’s go ahead and throw my very first colonoscopy into the mix. The colonoscopy was recommended last year during my 50 year gynecological visit. I didn’t have any symptoms but, apparently, 50 is the magic number. I ignored my practitioner…

Getting a bikini wax is humiliating from start to finish so, by all means, let me share my last experience with you. For me, it’s already a mindfuck to be at the point of feeling hairy enough to even warrant the procedure. Think about it. How terrible do you have to feel about yourself to…

Me: Are we working out tomorrow? Him: Yeah! It’s Saturday!! Apparently, I married a sociopath. Please send help. …—…

Even if they don’t know they’ll be cooked, I can’t imagine that this isn’t a terrifying existence on so many levels, even for a lobster:

My husband does not watch Game of Thrones. I tried to explain the amazing sets, dragons, costumes, visual effects, giants, zombies (White Walkers), and character development but he wasn’t picking up what I was putting down. I played the nudity and sex card but he passed. He barely tolerates the Harry Potter movies so it…

The day was too beautiful to think that anything sinister was even possible. The bright blue sky, the color of Frank Sinatra’s eyes, had shifted to indigo-black satin with sparkling diamonds as we sat down to dinner in the airport diner. It was the perfect ending to a long and lovely day. I felt the…

I play a game called June’s Journey on my iPad. It’s an online hidden object game that increases in difficulty and leads to clues that earn coins and building materials. The coins and materials are are used to decorate the island which earns flowers and the flowers lead to higher levels. Each scene starts off…

Separate from the Las Vegas Strip, sits this monument of gaud. His bright gold building is not part of the Strip and sits off in the distance all by itself. I’m going to pass on the obvious phallic symbolism except to quote Shrek: “Do you think maybe he is compensating for something?” I imagine our…

How is that hot tea and iced tea are delicious but hot tea that has gone ice cold is so distasteful?