Motivation is a strange thing. It is very personal and what works for one person doesn’t necessarily for the other. Interestingly, I find that motivation is interwoven with emotion. One can be motivated by love just as easily as hate or happiness as well as grief. Rage and revenge are excellent motivators — for me, anyway. Hell, sometimes just a really good song provides motivation. It really depends on the wind.

I’ve been working out and dieting since March and wasn’t seeing any results on the scale. Zero results. That was deflating but I kept going, depriving myself of Pepsi (which I hardly think of anymore) and eating smaller portions.

I did some research and found that I should not fixate on the number on the scale and, instead, pay attention to the inches. I had my husband measure my thigh, hips, and waist and wanted to die when he did it. It was humiliating on so many levels but I needed starting numbers. I won’t share those yet.

For me, a workout trainer is NOT an option. I don’t like being told what to do in the first place and definitely not to my face while I’m struggling to do one more sit up. I have no doubt that a trainer and I would throw hands after a few minutes or I would tell them to suck my ass immediately.

So, this bullshit was all on me, whatever motivation it takes. My source of motivation varies from day to day but I’m entering auto drive now — that point where the body craves the very workouts it detests.

Sometimes my motivation is the need to control at least one aspect of my life while others seem beyond my control. Whatever. Control is an illusion, so I run. I look in the mirror and see grey hair, so I eat less. I feel a ripple on my ass, so I force myself to do “Donkey Kicks”.

Sometimes life hands you a tiny gift amidst a big pile of shit. My gift was to drop 5 pounds in one week as a result of a huge shit storm. Not healthy, I know, but I’ll take it because that was the first time the scale moved since this journey started. That has given me renewed motivation because; regardless of how I lost it, I did lose it so I have to maintain it.

I took some pictures in March but swore I wouldn’t post them until I saw results. Here are the results:

My motivation? Full-on motherfucking John Wick mode!

Results I can finally see but I’m not done until I can kick my foot through someone’s chest.

Stay tuned.