The instructions I was given prior to my colonoscopy specifically said that the liquid prep was the hardest, but most important, part of colonoscopy prep. That was not a lie.

I started the disgusting Suprep required before a colonoscopy. Disgusting is not an adequate adjective. There is an added a cherry flavor which is more smell than taste and only succeeded in making me detest cherry for awhile, I suspect. My procedure was first thing in the morning so, besides not eating any solid foods for what will have been 36 hours, I had to drink a 16 ounce dose of this shit (plus 32 ounces of water) at 6 pm, then again at 3 am.

It took forever and countless gags to get that first dose of liquid down. The cherry smell is deceiving and the liquid has a weird salty, almost metallic-y flavor. I tried to chug it but my throat rebelled and clamped shut so that I could only squeeze a thin stream of the vile liquid through pursed lips and clenched teeth. It took an hour.

That was plenty of time for the first drinks to take effect so the urgent bathroom interruptions was an added bonus to the torture I was already enduring. Honestly, the effects of the flush were tolerable compared to the taste. Don’t get me wrong, it was not pleasant. To say the least, I now fully understand what they mean when they say “never trust a fart”. Additionally, I can attest that, like a duck’s ass is watertight, so is mine for the required length of the bed to the bathroom.

Having not eaten in 24 hours, I was already feeling weak and just wanted to sleep but my liquid intestines had other plans. When the worst passed, I fell asleep until my alarm woke me to face the second torturous dose. Knowing what to expect is almost worse than not knowing, I was already in a bad place when I put the cup to my tight lips.

The only thing that kept me from cancelling the procedure altogether was the thought that I’d just have to do this prep part from scratch over again. I had to tell myself that I was already halfway there. I’m not a weak-minded person and not easily swayed, even when it is my own mind trying to convince me to do something I don’t want to fucking do. I threw the last 1/3 down the sink and figured the doctor would just have to deal with it.

After all that, I managed to sleep one more hour before calling the Uber so I was in a super bad mood when I was ordered to strip, poked, questioned, and wheeled into the room. I had a brief moment of sheer terror but managed to pull myself together.

The anesthesiologist told me that she had added the medication to my IV. I was chatting with the audience privy to a viewing of my ass, trying to keep myself calm, when I felt everything go fuzzy very suddenly. I told her I felt it and saw her knowingly nod.

I used my last seconds of consciousness to say to the doctor “Peace, brother. Be gentle.” as I flashed a very 60’s peace sign.

I heard the room laughing as I tumbled into darkness…