I recently joined Rover.com so I could walk dogs and get some doggy love without the heartbreaking commitment of owning (and losing) a dog. An option of the services offered is being available for dog-sitting or doggie daycare, where the dog stays in your home rather than you going to pick them up for quick walks.

Growing up in Tucson, where the dogs, with moscas in their eyes, are left outside year round to basically fend for themselves, I’ve never had a dog just roaming around my living space willy nilly. That took some getting used to because even ObiWan knew his limited designated area; whereas, these dogs walk around like they own the condo. They just plop down and lick their asses right on my floors.

Being a borderline germophobe and highly neurotic about dog hairs and smells, I asked my spouse to pick up a can of Resolve carpet cleaner so I can freshen my area rugs once a week. It’s the foaming spray that comes in an aerosol can and is vacuumed after it dries on the surface.

I pulled out the can and tried to spray it but it was locked or sealed. Not knowing which and not having my glasses, I just twisted, pressed, clicked, and shook the can. I looked down, pressed the trigger, and shot a full blast straight into my face.

This is why I support sensible gun legislation and mandatory training, people.

Also, if I drop dead, please tell the coroner to read this blahg before making the ruling.