I am angry.

Similar to a volcano, it is simmering, smoking, and bubbling, with unexpected spurts of rage. I am trying to understand my own inner turmoils that can change intensity from one minute to the next, sometimes due to an external variable or sometimes all on its own.

What has me angry at this time is irrelevant. I know my anger will eventually slide into ambivalence which is a soothing, if different, type of healing. To not care anymore saves a lot of energy, mental anguish, and heartache. I’m waiting for that. I feel it coming, off in the distance – but definitely there.

My husband asked me what my anger felt like. It is almost electric. My limbs feel numb while also tingling. I walked up to him and rubbed my hand roughly up and down his arm several times and said “That’s what it feels like.”

Contrary to what most people think about me, I do not like to fight but I definitely will not walk away from a fight. I do not like to be confronted or accused. In this world, I am not responsible for the way people react to me so don’t come at me with your sensitivities. Your mental issues are not my problem. Figure your own shit out and don’t expect me or the world to cater to your expectations or insecurities.

My friend once told me that I am most comfortable with anger. It was a veiled insult I own proudly and let me tell you why. I trust my anger more than any other emotion. I’ve made mistakes when being guided by trust, love, friendship, family ties, commitment, or believing lies. With very few exceptions, I have never regretted anything I’ve done or said in anger. I am at my most honest, alert, instinctive, and absolutely determined when I am angry.

Every single human being on the planet deals with anger differently. Some people yell, some get quiet, some get analytical, or nonsensical to cloud the real issue, some will get physical – throwing a briefcase across the room, hitting another person or maybe a desk, wall, or dashboard. The point is, no two people are alike so to stand in front of another person and argue finds that two people in the very same argument are going to react and see the issue from two opposing perspectives. Most people argue because they think they are right, some argue to feel right. An argument can be productive or destructive, sometimes both. Some fight fair and some lie, embellish the truth or wield their “power” to hold dominion over another – so is that really a win?

Initially, my first impulse is to try to explain or to make my point. I despise being misunderstood or misinterpreted. I feel that is too closely related to a lie and I despise dishonesty. I will fight tooth and nail to be heard and accurately understood. Power plays don’t work on me. I will not stand being threatened or held hostage. No one holds anything over me that I value over my family or my peace. Eventually, I may have to accept that it’s just not worth the effort. I know that my instigators feels just as correct as I do. It’s an impasse, a waste of time and effort.

I walk away. Like a lizard, I am willing to leave a piece of my tail behind, wiggling in the dirt. In my scenarios, the wiggling tail can represent anything. It can be money I am rightfully due, it can be an item, an ideal, it can be a feeling I had for someone I loved or trusted, it can be a whole, bonafide relationship. And, like the lizard, I do not look back.

I’ve had people who can in no way know my story tell me that I’ll regret my actions later. I never have. Do I miss things, moments? Sure, but I also find a serenity that is not possible otherwise. Additionally, I’m not sitting in a dark room doing nothing. I am living a different life that no longer includes the toxic variable(s). How do I regret that? I don’t. Is it cold and callous? Some would think that but, from my perspective, it is protective and freeing.

Ultimately, my instinct will always be to protect myself and my family. When something or someone becomes damaging, I withdraw. I build a wall. I raise the bridge and I lock the door. From the outside, it looks like (and is) an impenetrable fortress but on the inside it is bright, colorful, peaceful, and my refuge.

That said – I wish others the best lives possible, whether it includes me or not. I ask for the same from others. You live with your choices and I’ll live with mine. Respect it and, most importantly, when I have retreated away from the madness I am in no way obligated to endure – leave me the fuck alone.