I was a teen but not old enough for makeup, following my ward around the grocery store. I stopped in the cosmetics aisle to smell the beautiful fragrances emanating from the packages. My favorite was the dusty perfume I could catch out of the old time face powders. I looked at all the products that would some day make me beautiful and desirable.

I spotted a “tinted” lip balm. I picked the red one and BEGGED for it to be purchased. I even remember adding a line about how my lips had been dry lately. It was deigned that I could drop the coveted item into the cart.

I wiggled with anticipation for the rest of the shopping while imagining the magical balm that would leave my full lips shiny and moist with just a hint of a rose red color to accentuate my lip’s natural color. I knew I had pulled a fast one but hoped the color would be so subtle that I could feign ignorance and still be allowed to use it.

My eyes never left the lip balm as it rode the conveyor belt past the cashier. I staked out the bag and dug out my prize as soon as it was paid. I climbed into the backseat and, without a mirror, I ran the smooth, waxy layer over my very full lips. I imagined myself looking magically transformed, maybe even a little bit pretty.

I certainly did not expect the full boisterous laughter by the adults when they caught a glimpse of me in my imagined glow. Apparently, the tint was not sheer, but opaque. So I sat in back, a grungy, unkempt teen with a set of bright red lips. I remember the shame as I was told that my lips were as “red as a monkey’s ass”. I wiped my lips with the back of my hand while my eyes burned. I added that wound to my mental file and, yet again, wished for a different life.

The wounds of my life sit as permanent reminders in my soul. They guide me and they bind me. Sometimes they hold me back and restrain my ambitions and dreams. Mostly, they fire me up and make me a defiant hell on wheels.

I have worn red lipstick for decades and I don’t intend to stop. Monkey’s ass be damned! They are my logo, they are my pride, they are me.