April 16, 1967 ~ May 5, 2024

I sit here writing about someone I’d known for 45 years. It’s a chance to calm the chaos in my heart and mind with words on a page.

Alfred Amado: my first crush, my adolescent love, and my lifelong friend has died.

I learned of his passing almost by accident when I was lazily scrolling through Facebook. By the time I saw the obituary notice shared by his mother on her own page, he was gone from this world five days already. That information alone filled my body with an almost electrical hum I could feel in my teeth. I felt the denial stage of grief immediately and tried to tell myself I was mistaken; that wasn’t his picture, that’s not his mom, I read the name wrong ~ anything to make the nightmare I felt forming go away.

I once wrote about Alfred without mentioning his name in a blahg called The Ghosts of Crushes Past. Now, let me write about my friend, saying his name and recording why I have never (nor will I ever) forget him.

I met Alfred in 1979, in the sixth grade. My god, he was so cute! Dark hair, brown eyes, and so very friendly. I called him Alfalfa and he called me Darla. That was it, I was done for. I awkwardly made it my mission in life to win his heart.

SPOILER ALERT: I never did.

We sat next to each other, we chatted, we played at recess, we were kids together. One day I asked him who he liked. He was coy but later handed me a note and I ran to the bathroom to read it. I remember exactly, in pencil, almost like the George Strait song, he had written:

You wanted to know. I like you. Will you be my girlfriend?🔲Yes 🔲No

Unfortunately, my older brother had instilled a fear in me that was so strong, I declined. It was a decision I regretted for the next six years as I watched him date many girls (and friends) while always wishing it was me and hoping that he’d see me differently someday.

SPOILER ALERT: He never did.

Throughout junior high school, I relished every moment I had with him. Admittedly, I was a pest. I’d steal his back pocket comb just to have a reason to interact with him. I helped him sell his fundraising candies to impress him. I bought my first pair of Nike tennis shoes because he showed me his and told me they were cool. We shared a seat on the school bus every day but he never knew that I’d put my leg on the seat to keep anyone else from sitting with me until he boarded. I’d look down the street to his house very single time we passed.

He became a steadfast friend and l learned to value that while pretending it was enough. Don’t get me wrong, I truly cherished our friendship but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping it would still evolve into something more.

By high school, I knew I’d lost the war but the friendship remained. I can see this like it was yesterday ~ I had gotten my braces off the day before and I remember him walking down the narrow bus aisle as he approached “our” seat and excitedly asked to see my teeth! Oh, how pretty he made me feel! I loved that we shared lockers our senior year, shared textbooks, and passed notes between classes. I made him a Christmas stocking filled with Hershey’s kisses every damn year. I swallowed my pride when I found out a friend was dating him. I was filled with stifled fury when I found out another “best” friend made out with him on Senior Ditch Day. I couldn’t say how I really felt so I smiled thickly because that’s what friends do.

On our bus ride home from our Senior Trip to Disneyland, Alfred danced up the aisle to B52’s “Love Shack” to the last bus seat we would ever share. On that ride home, he told me that he had just started dating someone who was assigned on another bus. I fell asleep against him and someone captured the moment. That was the last time I wished he felt the same for me because I knew he never would.

The day before graduation, his friend, who was supposed to be my ceremony partner, called me to cancel because he wanted to walk with his girlfriend. Understandable but it stung. Alfred was furious when he found out. He came to talk to me and apologized for what his friend did. It really bothered him and he wrote about it in my year book. I was grateful for his reaction because it showed that he truly cared about me.

Looking at old photographs, it’s easy to spot the ongoing themes of his messages or dedications to me. One, he was concerned with my weight and always included something about eating more beans, or gaining some weight. And, two, he was always apologizing for being “mean” to me or for hurting me. I can honestly say that I do not recall him ever being cruel to me and can only guess he was referring to the fact that he never returned my feelings. That was certainly not something that required an apology but he did anyway, in almost every picture and yearbook dedication, year after year.

We graduated and time marched on like it does. Sometimes it marched mundanely and sometimes cruelly. Through it all I tried my best to stay in contact with him, even if it was just a birthday greeting or a Christmas card. Of course, I now know it wasn’t enough and I should have tried harder. I married and had kids and my family knew of Alfred because he has always maintained a spot in my heart and I’d talk of him fondly.

When I learned of his passing, my 6th grade heart splintered and my 12th grade heart sobbed until my husband found me in tears in the backyard. My voice didn’t work when I choked out why I was crying but he heard the name and understood enough to simply hug me while I grieved over a boy who broke my heart long ago and again for a final time last week.

Alfred, I will miss you forever. 💋

The Ghosts of Crushes Past: https://avblahg.wordpress.com/2019/02/15/the-ghosts-of-crushes-past/